Easter eggs will kill you in so many different ways

At about seven o'clock this morning, my dad woke me up, because we're going on a walk up a hill. Fair enough, except next time I see him, he knows nothing about any of this, which leads me to believe it was a dream. CRUEL. Particularly after last night where I was texted at an, uhm, unusual hour by someone who'd clearly forgotten the differences in time zone between England and the Dominican Republic. However,  good things did come out of me lying awake for annoying amounts of time, particularly the unraveling of Easter eggs' plans to kill us.

So, the evil little things' plot to annihilate us, stage one. In an extraordinary show of suicidal bravery, they get eaten. Basically all at once. While this is a vile and disgusting metaphor for the sickening human greed the perverts the world, it's actually quite good for the eggs. I can just picture it now. I'm sitting happily on the sofa after a meal, swollen distendedly, while the chocolate takes over my whole body. It glues up my arteries with saturated fat, it even smothers my annoyingly unshaveable little moustache (in case you're put off this blog, it really isn't that much of a moustache. I get the feeling it's only because of my obsessive self-consciousness I realise it's there).

Next there's the danger the things bring when you thwack them off your head. Who can honestly say they don't celebrate Easter most passionately when it come to break open your Easter egg time? And why is it so irresistible to do so with your head? Clearly, humans still have aggression issues. In that respect we haven't really moved on from cavemen. In  fact we're worse. They clubbed deer, we quite often bomb people. But I'm getting off the point.

Finally, these are eggs, delivered by a bunny? I have a friend who claims his rabbit lays eggs, but he is not to be trusted (and is likely to mistake shit for egg anyway, he keeps on trying to incubate thesis), and his rabbit is the most evil in the world. But if a bunny is laying eggs and having them infiltrate our stomach, we must be raising whole new colonies of evil bunnies, inside our stomachs!

It's got to stop, people. As an alternative to Easter eggs, I propose we start eating the Easter bunny. Cut off the malignity at it's source. Goodbye.