I posted a Facebook status yesterday which is fairly self-explanatory and which conveys my general points, but that frankly I can't be bothered to write out again, and so shall appear as a direct quote: "Oh so what's that Facebook, you're now offering an exclusive service allowing me to pay £5.01 for my statuses to be publicised to a wider audience and appear on more peoples' news feeds? Diddums, did someone's share floatation go badly? And while this is an entirely valid status, unfortunately no-one will see it of course. Because I'm not paying £5.01 to enforce my crappy opinions upon the world." Now several things annoy me about this move from Facebook. First is the penny. What the hell* is it doing there? Is it some taunt from the man that no reasonable convenience will be spared? Not satisfied with the bizarre move to add a price to popularity (I've noticed that they retain their "It's free an always will be." tagline. Hs Ryanair expanded into the Internet business? One can only wonder.), they seem determined to pule as much inconvenience as is humanly possible (Okay, it's not ridiculously inconvenient, but then neither are the Welsh and they get plenty of stick) on their customers' users' user's head. (<- c'mon, the first joke was economic satire, the second was just pure goddamn grammatical slammage). One penny? Has Zuckenberg ever tried getting a bus? That would teach him how much anger a simple penny can give rise to. Now a penny and a fiver on a bus as Facebook is requiring, that would just add insult to injury, it would warrant an immediate ban from the service provider if I'm not mistaken. Of course, it has occurred to all the rest of us that in this modern age of Internet finance that £5.01 is no more or less convenient than £5. Computers, y'see, they just don't tend to get bothered. Perhaps they're more patient and the painstaking handling of coppers is no water under the bridge, or perhaps, just perhaps the bloody things were designed to outstrip our outdated need for meaningless worthless pieces of metal, and a few binary digits are pretty easy to handle whether they add up to 500 or 501. Really Mark, you think you can intimidate us and satisfy your twisted power complex by squeezing a few extra seconds of time out of us? Well hah, we went and invented computers so that we didn't have to be intimidated anymore, not by genuine real life confrontation and certainly not by you. Now if you'd like to harness the power of the Internet in controlling your own little pet race, at least have the decency to do your research, master double clicking before ou try and rig up the matrix. You insult our intelligence. Extra bloody penny. Pah. And perhaps this fundamental lack of understanding is what led your entire franchise into monetary despair and is the reason you're needing all the extra pennies your greasy little palms can cling on to.
Interlude: this goes against practice but I need to talk to you guys now (theses posts tend to amass over a period of days or weeks as I'm so damn busy nowadays but every now and again I'll be forced to the break continuity and appearances, like here. And here again, as now I'm hurriedly editing (the fact that I'm hurrying gives you a sneak peak as to what occurs a couple of lines down. Oh god I love doing that. Back to me. Today I did a talk burp. I was walking along with a girl, a perfectly normal, charming person, our conversation was just delightful, when out of nowhere "I really thin-ARRRRP". How humiliating, right? I kept a brave face of it and to her credit so did she, we made light of it, but deep down we both knew fine well that it was over. Any pretences of merry dialogue were to be replaced there and then by any soulless small-talk we could desperately wrench out of the gaping chasms of our panicking brains. It was MORTIFYING. Stomach, how could you let me down so. AND you decided to fart that time I was in the hairdresser and me and lovely lovely gay Alan gave a particularly raucous laugh, that was a desperately tense moment, trying to slyly waft away fumes I was convinced were not merely tangible but visible. You could have ruined everything, and you know what you have. You know what, this what meant to be an interlude but I have nothing else interesting to say, and this is a big well of emotion inside me that needs opening up, so that all the Chillean miners of my soul can wander blindly back into the daylight of comfort with myself. So for that reason, and that reason alone I end this blog now, the inevitable spelling errors that come with a speedy editing and all. oh, and the people are here to take me to my new home, where they assure me burps and humans can live in peace for all eternity.
It was bound to happen.
Might have happened to my grandparents before me though.
That would have been a bit better on the old ego.
Ah well.
*fuck. It's my new policy to leave swearing to the footnotes, and so I shall, yet I just feel that fuck is my word of choice for the situation, and that you should know this. And if you're my employer in ten years time frowning disapprovingly at obscenities you encounter, browsing my internet records (which seems to be a real and genuine threat), I promise that I fully intend to work harder in my life and do better jobs than any other employee you've ever encountered**. Swear down. Or if you're me in a similar length of time, suffering a cringe at your embarrassing previous tendency to abuse foul language, I really am sorry to cause you such devastation***.
**Twat off you nobless cuntcheese.
***You better be bollocking getting some.
No comments:
Post a Comment