Cowardly.

Today, I apologise. A huge apology. A gargantuan, genuine and heartfelt session, with one purpose and one purpose only: the begging of forgiveness, with no compromise, excuse or plea of innocence. I apologise to my greatest and most loyal friend, the cleverest, most deeply comforting and greatest man I have ever known. My buddy Michael, how can I even begin. I said something about you, I spread a rumour, a lamentable terminological inexactitude, a lie, and now I know that this caused you discomfort and public scrutiny the like of which I would never have guessed in my own pathetic naively, and the sort of pain to which you are most vulnerable, through my own back-stabbing stupidity.

There's no denying it, I told absolutely everyone I know. I told them, told them about your belief that cows drink through their udders. How I wish I could take back every word now.

It was meant as a feeble dig, I never knew there would be so much at steak. Is there a price or service conceivable through which I could recapture your good opinion and our friendship could moove on? Really, I understand now, I milked it further than I had any right, and it was this that led to your demise. Your new beef with me is exactly how I would react, I don't deny. Doing what I did was like holding a red rag to, a, well, bull, and there's no question that the situation is entirely black and white. If you wanted to throw a hoof I would make no objection, I can't emphasise enough my willingness to make any sacrifice for reconciliation. There I was, mincing along with my buffed up opinion and believing I could say any old thing and not face the consequences. I dairy say I cheesed you off, yoghurt the right to throw it back in my face if that pleases you. Without hesitation I say to you, I can't possibly understand what it must feel like just to have to stomach it. Stomachs, even. I herd you were very upset. Set the animals on me, bring the hounds to my door, I'm sure your catt'le pounce on me if you tell it to. Frankly, you deserve a pat on the back for how you've taken it. Bringing this limelight upon you I thought would make me happy, now I appreciate that truly, the grass is always greener on the other side. Hay, I would die for you man, and I know it was a sorry tail to go telling. Seriously though, I would go to the moon, to Jersey or Guernsey for you, I just want you to know that. Cud you even bring yourself to talk to me? I'd appreciate it. From the bottom of my heart, I never knew how grazing this experience would be for you, no one would consider it unreasonable of you never beeped your horn at me again on the way past. If you weren't far mer peaceful than me this entire situation might have deteriorated even more than it has. We will never again be the Tarzan and Jane we once were, swinging from the bovines, that is just a truth I'm going to have to accept.

Michael, it was udderly ridiculous of me. I'm sorry.

Honest, I was only having a bit of pun. No need to grass on me.